Hi! This article is intended to be a therapeutic writing since what I’m gonna talk about is one of my biggest traumas in life, which is my family. I don’t know if it’s appropriate or not to talk about this personal matter publicly, but now I have no one to talk to–I mean, I do have but I just don’t feel comfortable talking about myself especially my family in person–and I’m too broke to make a therapy appointment, so yeah just fuck it.
So many people asked me why I’m still staying in Jatinangor even after I graduate, and I know their point is exactly “Why don’t you just come back home instead?”. I would usually answer it with a smile or just putting the blame on COVID-19 pandemic. While the actual reason is I don’t get along with my mom and I don’t feel happy living at home.
As you may or may not know, I have told about this before in another post that I was raised in a dysfunctional family. There is a role reversal in my family, my mom is a working mom who is the only one who provides for my family while my dad is an unemployed stay-at-home dad. The distribution of household duties and responsibilities, the wage gap, and money have always been an issue in my family.
As I grew up, my mom has always projected her feelings of dissatisfaction in her marriage and resentment to my dad, onto me.
She always told me to not end up being like her, to find a better husband so I don’t have to go through a rough time she went through. And what she means by “better” is RICH. She is a typical conservative Asian woman who embodied the idealism of patriarchal beliefs. She always taught me traditional patriarchal gender roles like “men need to provide for his family and should be a good provider for his family, not the other way around”, “women should be treated like a queen and are not supposed to suffer”, “women should serve men in exchange for sufficiency and security”.
The latter it the most toxic one. She sees man as a source of favor, so we as women should do whatever it takes to please man and win man’s heart in order to gain that favor. And some of the ways to please a man according to her are to be obedient and to be pretty, attractive and desirable.
She always said something like “You have to be pretty, ladylike, and [insert patriarchal beauty standards], otherwise nobody wants to marry you”. And will immediately body-shame me whenever I gain weight even just a few pounds. That’s one of the reasons why I always feel overly self-conscious about my looks.
She always bragged that she used to be a “kembang desa” and a lot of guys were chasing after her back then, so I should be like that too. Yeah no wonder, it’s because she is friendly, extroverted and–most of all–has pretty privilege. While I’m the opposite because I look more like my dad. After that, she would continue the conversation with expressing her regrets like “Why on earth did I choose your father, I could have gotten married with that om X who’s now becoming a successful entrepreneur?!?!1!1!1!!”
And you can easily guess where the conversation is heading.. in conclusion, I have to find a rich man to marry, as if it’s an ultimate goal in life.
She always pushes me to be someone she failed to be; a spoiled stay-at-home wife of an awesome rich husband.
But I don’t wanna be a person with such a mindset.
I believe if relationship (or even marriage) is built based on “lacking mentality” or basically sense of lack in general in the first place, it’s never gonna be healthy. Moreover, I hate patriarchal cultural norms and patriarchy itself.
So, now you understand why I feel disconnected from my mom–the one who I’m supposed to have a strong bond with. Besides she was emotionally-absent since I was little because she was working abroad, we just don’t share the same values and basically perspectives on life in general. But I haven’t finished yet, I’m just talking about our differences in seeing gender equality, not to mention about our differences in religious beliefs, etc. Maybe I will post it later.
Feeling like you don’t belong sucks. It makes me feel like I don’t feel at home in this world anymore. Because I don’t think I can live with someone like her. Avoidance and escapism is my only way of coping and it creates additional stress because I have to be able to support myself and be financially independent as soon as possible so that I can be free living on my own.
But deep down the otherside, I feel guilty for being rebel because she is still my mom after all.
I have never felt this conflicted in my life, I feel really unsure about what to do right now. I’ll just cry myself to sleep tonight. At least I feel so relieved after writing this. So yeah that’s all for now, thanks for coming to my TED talk!
THE RAW PIECES OF ME 
I’m genuinely so sorry that you feel this way. I can’t begin to imagine how that must feel but I do also think you’re entitled to your own feelings and your own beliefs just as your mum is. We might struggle to understand how she sees things in life but I’m sure she is doing the best with what she has been given and if anything it has helped shape you into the person you want to be. I wouldn’t feel any pressure or guilt on having a mother/daughter relationship like others. Do what feels right for you in a way that you can love her for who she is and if that means having some boundaries then you do what is best for you. It’s amazing how other people can sometimes enter your life to fill the void you might be missing from loved ones. I hope this gives you some hope x
SukaDisukai oleh 1 orang
I have just now seen your message, sorry it took me so long to reply. Thank you for your sympathy and kind words I really appreciate it, it’s so comforting ^^ Hope you have a good day!
SukaSuka
You are not the only one who feels this way. I came to realize long ago how many dysfunctional families there are. My own childhood and adolescence was a big muddle and I had all sorts of “issues” . I was sent, aged 16, after 5 years of boarding school (in Vietnam, Cambodia and England) to live with my mothers sister, who I adored and her husband who I did not. He was damaged and alcoholic. I thought I would escape after college but by then I had student debts to pay back and not a penny to my name, so I was stuck. It was awful but I couldn’t tell my parents because they would have been annoyed and I didn’t think they would help. Anyway…if you aren’t happy at home, don’t go back. You can visit, but don’t go back to live. I had big problems with my dd especially, but they were my parents and when they got old I helped them, out of duty. It would have been so much easier to do it out of love. I am ancient now, my recommendation is to avoid whatever conflict you can, however you can and don’t allow yourself to feel resentment because it’s a pointless waste of energy. Your parents are who they are and you don’t have t be like them. The ramblings of an older woman, speaking to my younger “self”.
Best of luck.
SukaDisukai oleh 1 orang
Hi, thanks for comforting me by telling your story, you are so strong to finally managed to go through all those mess. That’s what I need to hear, thank you!
SukaDisukai oleh 1 orang